A Word to Betrayed Partners

I don't want you to walk this journey alone. I want to help you find your voice, understand your choices based on your values, and provide a safe place to share your story.

Betrayal is an indescribable wound to a person's entire existence. There isn't an area where it doesn't cause harm — and if left unattended, it can literally destroy you. The pain is immeasurable, and the healing will hopefully be the catalyst that frees you from any false beliefs you've carried while trying to make sense of his painful behaviors.

When nothing you've tried has worked, you may find yourself wondering what you've done wrong and believe you are somehow to blame. I assure you, his behavior is not about you. You didn't cause it, can't control it, and cannot cure him. Your boundaries and actions might propel him to enter true recovery. He has to choose this path — and you have choices to do whatever feels safe for you.

After you discover his secret life, or he confesses as my husband did, you will have enormous decisions to make. I want you to be informed and protected as you take these next steps. After you have the truth of what you've experienced confirmed by a Therapeutic Disclosure Process, the situation could bring you opportunities for new beginnings.

Reconciliation, if you choose this path, is only possible if your spouse commits to the difficult work of healing himself — both with a professional and in community — and the relationship heals while he learns to replace damaging behaviors with a healthy, stable lifestyle full of integrity.

My Story

I never believed my husband could betray me, yet I walked this journey essentially alone. I received less than ideal advice and was even accused of being critical and unloving for not forgiving repetitive behaviors. This situation is far more complex than simply forgiving betrayal — I am still astounded that I survived spiritual and therapeutic abuse all while suffering at a depth I never thought was survivable.

I truly don't know how most of us survive, choosing either to stay in or leave the relationship. There were no trained experts available to us in this field when we were sorting out everything that had taken place. We eventually divorced for three years due to feeling hopeless to ever heal.

When others ask me why I reconciled with my husband, I often explain how my values positioned me to make this choice. One of the most important factors is that I never lost sight of him being my brother in Christ. I watched him strive for decades, yet he never achieved freedom. I began praying that God would take one of us "home to heaven" — yet not let it be me. The pain was just too great to endure year after year.

I felt both confusion and compassion for his efforts. I respected him as the father of my children and longed to have an intact family. I wanted Christmas morning to be celebrated as an intact family — yet I was unwilling to continue in the insanity of his behaviors.

Today, his sustained sobriety and hardy recovery have brought tremendous healing to our relationship. Although I have experienced great suffering on this journey, I have also become the woman I was meant to be.

My Background

I earned my B.Sc. in Art and English, with a short period of teaching in a junior high setting. I then worked in our excavation business with my husband Bob for twenty years.

Eventually, I felt led to pursue a Corporate Coaching certification through iPEC (International Professional Excellence in Coaching). I obtained ICF-accredited coaching training plus an Energy Leadership Index Master Practitioner (ELI-MP) credential. Mid-course, I realized I wanted to pursue a more direct path to help marriages thrive. I am also a Master Certified Professional Coach via the Certified Life Coach Institute — ICF Accredited.

My Story

My journey of becoming addicted to sexuality started when I was eight years old and lasted for decades — putting my wife, Connie, through pure hell. At one point, I went to her saying she had to divorce me. I couldn't stop acting out and didn't know how to heal. We divorced later that year, tearing our family apart.

After some earnest attempts to get free from the compulsive behaviors and her seeing I had made changes (although without therapeutic help), by God's grace, we remarried three years later. I would love to say that life was magical after that — but that would be a lie. Four years later, I was back using sexual behaviors. Needless to say, she was devastated.

She finally set specific boundaries for herself so she could feel safe in our relationship. Now I had a choice to make. Her boundaries finally started me on a serious journey of recovery. One of those boundaries was to find a counselor. After a lot of research, I contacted Jason Martikus with Redemptive Living, who explained to me why I did what I did, and how not to do it again. This was the beginning of my recovery — and as a result, I finally established and maintained my sexual sobriety for the first time in decades.

I had to learn how to help her heal — to be humble, honest, and vulnerable. To empathize with her. To grieve the pain, devastation, and betrayal trauma I had put her through. In essence: how to rebuild her trust in the man who had destroyed her world. This process was not smooth sailing for us.

If my story can be a picture of redemption for you, it would be my honor to share it with you.

Background

Before this work, my background was in the military and business. I am a graduate of the United States Military Academy at West Point, where I served as a Combat Engineer Platoon Leader, Executive Officer, and Company Commander. After my military service, I owned and operated a diversified 180-man commercial excavation, mining, and transportation company for forty years.